Sifting The Ashes of Anton LaVey by Matt G. Paradise

Since the unfortunate death of our High Priest, the human parasites have surfaced in full force, rolling gleefully in their own dung over the "hard evidence" and "insight" that will somehow topple the imperious Goliath of Satanism - as prescribed by The Church of Satan, of course. As pathetic and hearsay as the following are...

Oh, hear the blames:

"Anton was never a lion tamer and he never slept with Marilyn Monroe. I know a person who has a sister who has a friend in the Temple of Set who knows someone with an Internet account who knows Ferris Bueller who has "chatted" through the Web with some journalist who wrote that he made it all up. After all, if it makes LaVey look bad, it simply MUST be true! And it's common knowledge that all journalists are very ethical and honest professionals."

"Don't you know? The Church of Satan is no more. Yeah, it's bankrupt and is now a figment of everyone's imagination. What fools those so-called grotto masters and priests are that they don't see Rome falling before them. I know because I heard about some court papers out there on the Internet that say so, though I haven't seen them yet. This is SO juicy. Just like my favorite sitcom."

"The Church of Satan is full of Nietzsche-lovin' Nazis... like that Roy Brice guy [true identity withheld]. He's a racist, white supremacist because I saw him in a photograph wearing a swastika, and that's PROOF. If you don't believe that you can judge a book by its cover, you're a Nazi, too! Fuck the CoS."

You get the point. But be amazed at the number of people who won't get the point or see the sarcasm in the previous three paragraphs. Collectively, these are an encapsulated idea of what small minds can occupy their overabundance of time with. But, since LaVey's death, there has been a visible increase of LaVey-detractors. How convenient that we see so many NOW. But, in light of the simian behavior that has resulted from it, how even more embarrassing.

It's one thing to dislike something; it's another to fixate on it and spend generous amounts of time and effort to "save the world" from such "evil and deceptive villains." (Those quotes are my representations of what the average LaVeyophile-in-denial might say, even if he doesn't have a Mr. Spock hairdo and worship an anteater.) Funny, but last I checked, "saving" people was the task of insecure Christians. Think it can't get more transparent?

Well, not only do the jealous and the lonely want to save you (and save you for themselves, by the way), but they will risk their very credibility to do it. Case in point is the stale argument that LaVey's life is heavily fabricated. My most Satanic response to that is this (and it really does require all-caps at this stage in the game): WHY DOES IT MATTER EITHER WAY? Whether or not LaVey's conquest list includes a couple of famous bombshells is about as relevant to my life as what color my neighbor's urine is. Concerning yourself with specifically why LaVey's youngest daughter is so unfond of her late father is not only none of your business, but pathetic and un-Satanic. Why don't you creep around the yard of the Black House and write us a Usenet posting on what color the drapes are or if that roof ever got re-shingled while you're at it? Enquiring dimwits need to know!

And, if any of those sour-grapers are going to criticize any written account on Herr Doktor by either the man himself or Blanche Barton, why isn't that scrutiny also pointed towards these complainers? If we're going to point fingers, let's have a really asinine, aimless, and unyielding accusation-fest: Are LaVey and Barton the liars? Are certain media making facts up? Are both lying? Are they both telling some truth? Are we believing whatever supports our argument here? And then, in the face of it all, just how crucial is all of this? You know that one mention of "What if LaVey faked his own death?" would keep the scanvengers well busy up until their Internet bills cut into their beer money. Imagine picking up the Weekly World News and seeing some "Ipsissimus" waving a photo of some bald guy on a donkey in Mexico, exclaiming in a caption balloon, "I sighted LaVey" (which might spur numerous "LaVey sightings" which would, to the chagrin of his self-assumed enemies, merely elevate him to true urban legend status and further into cultural iconography). Come to think of it, I may not be entirely opposed to the idea of indirectly starting this "sightings" craze myself.

But aside from this freak, tabloid occurence, could the bickering, nit-picking, and combing through dirty laundry be that productive? I'll help out with this one: it isn't. LaVey-bashing has become a substitute for achieving real success and advanced thinking for many. For others, the behavior helps some could-have-beens and never-will-bes appear as self-inflated big-shots; perhaps, to siphon off (pre- or post-mortem) some of LaVey's celebrity or human triumph. And, for others, it shows that they just can't accept a Satanism that isn't nice and sweet and libertarian and left-wing (or any wing, or that matter), so it's open season for ad hominem attacks, the only attacks they know or remember from fourth grade recess. The difference is that children don't often buy their own bullshit.

Ultimately, if the personal history of Anton LaVey is fiction, then at least it's worth reading, which is more than I'll say for the accounts of the dull and uninspired blockheads who are emotionally locked onto their so-called nemesis. The Italians have an apropos expression here: Se non é vero, é ben trovato, or (approximately) "Even if it's not true, it's still a good story." I agree. But, more importantly, I don't need the story to be either. I will still live my life Satanically, and I will seek excellence and pleasure for the many years I have ahead.