Have you ever paid attention to the means by which breakfast cereals are created and sold? The industry of cold cereal has got to be one of the most booming business ventures in the world of packaged food. Walk down the soup isle, you'll see maybe three or four major brands at best, and perhaps 25 different varieties of soup. Now, walk down the isle that plays host to name brands like General Mills, Kellogg's and Post. You will be totally unable to keep track of all the different names on the multicolored boxes. There is a cereal for every occasion. You have your standard fare: Corn Flakes, Cheerios, Wheaties and Rice Crispies, then you'll have the middle-age colon-conscious cereals: Grape Nuts, Total, and all the bran cereals that are sold with a percentage listed in the title. (30-proof Bran Flakes anyone?) What's left over is what makes up for 90% of the breakfast cereal industry's target consumer-by-association: Little boys and little girls who need their healthy dose of sucrose, dextrose, fructose, corn syrup and artificial colors endorsed by some cartoon wildlife creature before a hard day at school.
First of all, it's easy to see why kids love these cereals. Any grown adult who knows anything at all about chemistry could look at the ingredients label and read off the ingredients as corn, flour, sugar, sugar, sugar, rat poison, sugar, folic acid, sugar, artificial preservatives, sugar and trace amounts of crystal meth. Show me a child who doesn't love sugar more than life itself and chances are I can point it out as a 3-month decayed stillborn. Then, there's the label, the brand name, and the gimmick attached to it. I love looking at all the novelty cereals on the shelves. These are cereals that you know will last all of six months before resculpting the pieces and renaming the cereal. Titles like Batman cereal, Beetlejuice cereal, Mario Brothers, Pac Man, Donkey Kong, X-Men, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Mr. T, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, John Wayne Gacy, Masters of the Universe, Star Wars, Ghostbusters, Bill and Ted's Excellent Cereal, Mortal Kombat, Silence of the Lambs, and just about any other cartoon or video game. (I wonder when "Pogs" cereal is coming out.) This is an easy one to reason out. How many kids under the age of 12 do you know of who will buy ANYTHING with the words "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the packaging? I once actually witnessed a child trying to argue a product's value by saying "But Mom, look, the Ninja Turtles are eating it..." while pointing at the scene on the package of the four Samurai amphibians devouring pizza-shaped chewing gum.
Another great trick is the television ads (all those children who have yet to discover a quality hobby will do nothing but watch television) during kids' programming time slots. I like to break down the different plot synopses of a kids' cereal ads into three different categories:
#1 "This is sugar-filled junk food, but we'll trick mom into thinking it's healthy so you can get some... moms are stupid anyway!"
#2 "Eat this cereal and you will be invincible"
#3 "No, you can't have it!"
To elaborate on these dramas, I'll use examples currently on the TV. #1, cereals like Frosted Mini Wheats, Kix, basically, the voice-over says something like "OK, this is for kids only, all moms outta the room," then continues with "Look at all the sugar just covering this stuff! Mom sees all that US Daily Requirements double-talk we write on the label and truly believes that if you eat this, you will be an Olympic Champion someday! Stupid moms!" There's a reverse of this, a cereal that claims to be healthy, but is designed for parents who want their children to eat something besides Sugar-Frosted Crackpipes, with comments like "Kid-tested, Mother-Approved" or "Don't tell them, but your kids will love it."
#2 is fun as well. Frosted Flakes is the king of this rat's nest. Following up for second place is Honey Nut Cheerios. An animated animal or insect or whatever asks a child, "Hey, kid, what your fucking problem, ya slug?" The kid puts on his best "day-after-an-acid-trip" long tired face and sez "Aw, Vito-the-Mime, I'm so pooped, I can't keep my eyes open, I can't kick ass on the shirts vs. skins Michael Jordanball game. The way things look, I might have to be hospitalized before too long. I'm gonna die, aren't I Vito?!?" "No way, you little turd. Here, have some of THIS! You'll like it." [munch, munch, munch... PINGGGGG!] "Holy COW, Vito, why, you're RIGHT! BOY oh BOY do I feel ALIVE!! I feel like I could SURVIVE a hail of bullets from a POLICE BLOCKADE and STILL keep WALKING!!! I'm gonna WIN this JORDANBALL GAME, then I'm going to go OUT and paint all the garages in TOWN!!! Then I'm going to RAKE every lawn in the CITY, clean my room, try out for the HOCKEY TEAM, join the WWF, and then maybe I'll climb the Brooklyn BRIDGE, sprout WINGS and fly to CUBA!!! Thanks Vito, I owe you one!!!"
Then, there's my favorite, the stereotypical #3. Best examples: Trix, where the rabbit tries all he can to get a bowl of cereal, puts on disguises, hires hitmen to take the kids out of the equation, whatever. He's not allowed to eat the cereal, but will kill anyone who stands in his way of getting it. Then, there's Cocoa Puffs, that vulture is trying to kick his Cocoa Puff addiction, and all these cartoon kids dance around and taunt him like drug pushers. "Oh, Sooooonny, look what IIIIIII have!!! Oh I'll bet you reeeeeeally want a bowl of THIS, now don't you??" There's Lucky Charms, where that Irish dwarf runs and runs while a pack of kids chase him down to beat him and steal his box of cold cereal. Cocoa Krispies has a monkey singing like Harry Belafonte (Of course, White America wouldn't have a monkey singing like Paul Anka, would it? It's like the Jungle Book and the monkeys there, a bit of racism that you don't notice because you've seen it since you were a child.) swinging from vine to vine from all the animals of the jungle who want a bowl of cereal, but they too are not allowed to eat it. Captain Crunch tries to keep his cereal safe from the snotlike creatures who stow onto the boat and try for an ill-fated bowl of cereal. Anyway, you get the idea. These cartoons tell kids "Sure, Mom won't let you have this cereal because it's going to rot out your teeth and leave you hyperactive for days, but would the Trix Rabbit give up that easily? I don't think so!"
I have this odd dream that comes to me time and again, one I need desperately to fulfill. I'm away at Catholic school and bound naked into one of those little wooden desks, surrounded by four shapely nuns in PVC habits, sporting paddles and speaking with German accents, about to punish me for my acts of vandalism in the library... well, sure, this dream is good too, but the one I was referring to was the dream of becoming a novelty breakfast cereal mogul. I want to build an empire based on the insatiable sugarlust of children. Once I get my first decaquadrillion dollars in gold bouillon, I'll be able to make the real good cereals and distribute them worldwide... without question, I might add. This way, I can create and distribute cold cereals like Christ on a Stick Cereal, a charming bowlful of crunchy crucifixes surrounded by colorful marshmallow apostles. Or, perhaps, you're more into Slayer Cereal, Breakfast of Headbangers. Pour in the milk and watch as it turns to blood right in your bowl! I'd have Alphabits cereal in my pocket in order to redistribute with the words already spelled out. (I mean, the milk is going to go soggy before these retard half-breeds spell their own names!) "Mommie, look, I spelled 'Vasectomy.'" "Oh, look, Mommie... 'Cocksucker'" "Mommie, what's a...'Pedophilia?'" Once I have a hold of the market, I can really let the tasteless cereals fly. Imagine Sugar Frosted Miscarriage or Toasty Golden Junkies (free syringe with every box) or even Bergen Belsen Crunchies (a bowl of milk with simulated dismembered body parts floating around). All I need is some TV ad time and I can really fuck these kids up with my new food products. A scene at a park, all these kids looking sour. Along comes a one-eyed cartoon pitbull who asks, "Hey, Kids, it's me, Marty Maim... hey, why looking so down?" "Our fascist parents wouldn't let us have any Frosted Anal Cavity brand cereal for breakfast." "Well, kids, that's because moms are all evil creatures spawn by hellhounds and their blasphemous sexual relations with balding New York City hookers. Besides, you must not have asked the Marty Maim way." Kids look up in wonderment, simultaneously asking, "The Marty Maim way?" "Sure kids, let's go to the store, I'll show you!" A scene now of a mother and a well-mannered smiling child. "Mommie, can I have a box of sugar-ladden vitamin-deprived nutritionally-challenged Frosted Anal Cavity?" "No, you may not, that stuff is repulsive, a product of a sick man with a bad childhood." "Oh, Okay, Mommie, you know best!" The dog snarls and says "Just look at that, pathetic! Now, let's see the Marty Maim method in action." Another child, another suburban mom... "Mommie, can I have some Frosted Anal Cavity cereal?" "No, that cereal is disgusting... outlawed in 26 states, you know." "No?? Did you say NO, you piece of SHIT?" The mother looks on in horror as her child goes off on a very loud tangent. "If I don't get a box of Frosted Anal Cavities RIGHT FUCKING NOW, I'm going to go home and tell Daddy that you're screwing our paperboy and all of his underaged friends while Daddy's away at work!!" The mother looks around, flashing a nervous smile as a crowd assembles. "And I don't WANNA go to school today! Hey, isn't that that nice man who you meet downtown for sex and heroin after you drop me off at school?? HI MISTER DOGGY-DOG!! MOMMIE WON'T LET ME HAVE ANY FOOD TODAY!!! SHE SAYS IT'S MY PUNISHMENT BECAUSE SHE NEVER WANTED ANY CHILDREN!!" The mother puts seven boxes of Frosted Anal Cavity into the cart and hurriedly cashes up and leaves in a shivering blur. I think this will sell cereal, how about you? Actually, I suppose, if anything, this will get me 3-25 years in prison.
If breakfast is really the most important meal of the day, why do you insist on feeding yourself something that could potentially be considered a war crime when dropped behind enemy lines? That stupid rabbit is right, Trix are for kids. Now, grow the hell up and eat a real breakfast. For the money it would cost to buy just one box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you could be eating eggs, sausage, French toast and ham for three weeks instead. Maybe I'm just stupid, but personally I think I'd prefer to wake up to something that appears on the list of food groups. [END]