Subterranean SINema (1997-2008)

Dateline: 5 October 2008- Burlington, VT

After 11 years of corrupting young minds and spreading vile fringe ideas and so-called "art," Subterranean SINema died today after an hours-long shootout with local, state, and federal authorities. Autopsy revealed that SubSIN sustained over 300 rounds of gunfire in a scene reminiscent of the James Cagney classic film, "White Heat." Sources report that moments before it died, SubSIN's final words were "you have won... nothing."

Subterranean SINema began its ascent to the upper world on 1 December 1997 on Burlington's local public access channel 15, also called VCAM. Its very first episode showcased the 1993 documentary, "Speak of the Devil" -- an inside look at Church of Satan founder, Anton Szandor LaVey. With this and many other episodes, the religious community was up in arms, furious that VCAM (then called Channel 15) would allow opinions and images they didn't happen to like. Soon after, Channel 15 put SubSIN in the "religious programming" category, which only angered local Christians even more.

It wasn't too much later that the irate phonecalls to VCAM came. Parents were concerned that their own children were going to turn against them in murderous rebellion. Of note was the case of Darlene Benoit, whose then-10 year old son, Tyler, was allegedly possessed by the program and ultimately had to receive Christian psychiatric care over a three-year period. "I can't tell you how happy I am to see this filth finally go away," Benoit told reporters. "Now, if I could only keep my son out of my heroin stash, life would be perfect!" Even in a haze of drug addiction, Benoit still blames SubSIN for her son's chaotic life.

Despite adversity, SubSIN forged on, bringing Chittenden County cable subscribers a rolling onslaught of sex, violence, Satanism, body piercing, horror movies, counterculture, and so much more. Many people, events, and groups of underground note had graced the 135-episode run of the show, including Charles Manson, G.G. Allin, The Church of Euthanasia, Burning Man, Survival Research Laboratories, The Kids of Widney High, Skitzo, NON, The Church of Satan, Suicide Girls, Pasolini, GWAR, The Genitorturers, The Electric Hellfire Club, pornography, drag queens, Jim Rose, death, Kenneth Anger, Marilyn Manson, Mike Diana, heavy metal, retards, exploitation, The Church of the Subgenius, the Goddess Bunny, Atomic TV, the Littleton Massacre killers, televangelists, censorship, Unarians, anti-drug films, culture jamming, Laibach, INDECLINE, Joe Coleman, Richard Kern, punk/hardcore, S&M, Consortium of Genius, Psychic TV, Kembra Pfalher, backyard wrestling, Genesis P-Orridge, atheism, and the list goes on.

For many years, an actual cult had formed around the show that even today defies logic. Devotees of SubSIN would pray to "the Cathode God" and dedicate their very lives to "video terrorism" by spreading its sinister doctrine. Through strong-arm tactics and an undisclosed amount of money, the cult managed to secure the show's official website, leaving it up and running for those who "missed out" on the actual show but might still be in need of what one follower called "infernal guidance."

The death of Subterranean SINema, for reasons completely lost on this reporter, has also been met with profound sadness by many. "I never even got to see it and I miss it so terribly," claimed one resident of a state thousands of miles away from Vermont. Numerous blogs and message boards are overflowing with sentiment for this filthy show, and it has many upstanding citizens confused. "Why do people like this crap," asked local street evangelist Roy V. Gaynon. "Whether it's gone or not, it still... AIN'T RIGHT!"

Perhaps. But that message is largely lost on so many regular viewers, cult worshippers, people who've never seen the show, and an assortment of celebrities. Numerous members of the pop music community are currently in the studio, recording a tribute album whose proceeds go to all of those suffering from SubSIN withdrawals. "It's a lot like 'We Are The World' -- except without all of that annoyingly pointless sympathy for people halfway around the planet," stated one record exec. The 10-song album, tentatively titled, "Missing The Terror We Loved," will gather the talent of many pop notables. Though, as of press time, none of them have come out publicly and revealed their identities, but the buzz in the music industry is undeniable and this means to generate money for a dubious cause would have no doubt put a smile on the face of the late-SubSIN itself. Even in death, the show refuses to go away.